Stumbling…

Beautiful morning here, though still incredibly cold for the time of year ~ and TWC (the weather channel) and NOAA (National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration) both say that it will be a lot colder overnight… into the next few days too. I feed the horses a bit extra in the mornings when it is like this, to help them through the nights.

yeah, I’m sure I don’t need to, but it makes me feel better about them having to sleep outside. Though… I have noticed that the ones that have full access to the barn tend toward sleeping outdoors too, so… **shrug** it may be all in my head, but since I buy the hay, guess it really is okay.

And NO, they are not being over fed. :D

Today is just a regular day ~ no paid work (though I still search for such) and paperwork for various things/projects will take up most of my day. While it drives me nuts, I have got to do these things, and I really have to learn to discipline myself to do these things now, for they need to be done when they need to be done, and not when I “damn well feel like it”!!! (I have always been a good procrastinator) I dunno, while some of it is that I simply have a hard time sitting still, much of it is because what is in front of me I consider mundane ~ which makes it harder still for me.

I am pretty sure that I had/have ADD or something, for I have always been like this. I remember compensating for my ants in pantsyness by having a memory that could catalog and see everything and remember it with ease…

Not so much with the memory thing anymore. It may be that I have lost some of my ability to multitask or something, but…I don’t think so, not really ~ because it happens more when I am stressed in my own life, and I go into the “shut down” mode ~

**sigh**

In the stage of life I am in, I can generally just admit that I wasn’t paying attention to what was going on and let it go. While I care deeply about what people feel they would like to talk to me about, I am slowly learning to put myself first, even if it seems mean to others, and work on ME, and what I am going through ~ something I probably “should” have learnt a very long time ago.

Yes, I do fully realize that the “duh” factor is huge there ~ seriously though. I am truly a woman raised by my parents generation. I learned to feel guilty at an early age about being my own person, that there were no parts of me that belonged to me EVER… therefore, I was (and still am to a large extent) confused about how life was (is) supposed to be for me, myself AND I….

Yes, it sucked to be me most of my life, and in many ways it kinda still does…but I figure that until I “arrive” at perfection, I am just going to have to give myself a break ~

And keep stumbling onward.

Now, if I could only get paid for that stumbling…

~:-)

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One Response to Stumbling…

  1. drokka says:

    I'm glad to see you're taking care of YOU. And, I think sometimes it's easy for people to say 'duh', but it's quite another thing to get there for some. There's a lot of pressure out there to take care of others, that makes the 'duh' a lot less obvious. As for the ADD, I disagree. I think ADD was invented to make people take meds they don't need. Well, okay I think maybe some people actually have it, but not nearly as many as they say. I think they confuse 'difference' with a psyche issue. I think that some people just need constant motion, there's a fear of stagnating, or of intellectual atrophy in stasis. I just think you have so much you want to do, you need to make sure the world is still moving, and by the sheer force of your will, it does. And THAT makes you a very generous person and a GREAT friend!

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