53 day of 2010 ~ the 8th Monday of this year…

Why do I feel as though I have accomplished zero, and done way to many things ~ all at the same time?

I feel insanely busy, yet don’t feel as though I have done a thing.

**sigh**

Yes, I am weird…

I miss home...

I miss “home” ~ this picture is the sky behind the house at the ranch… absolutely loved that place. Would have tried to help if I had been asked, but like all things with my kids, there is no plan, there is no …nothing.  Use is up, and throw it out, especially if it gets a bit difficult.

**sigh** I am sure that this is my fault… somehow.

Had the oddest weekend…discovered that I can listen to the girls complain about their lives, loves, and problems, but I can not complain about the same things … the very things they bitch about I can not say a THING about for then I am a … what? I dunno… do as I say, not as I do?

I’ve always known that they do not care if I live or die,  if I have enough to eat, or if I even have a roof over my head… yes, their father has taught them well.

**sigh** The latest with all that? He sent the youngest the ENTIRE amount of child support. And she LIED to me about where she was getting her money~because he TOLD her to.

Though I am not sure how hard it was for her to lie ~ she wants her money without the responsibilities that go with it… if it comes down to it, I shall dispose of her things without asking her what I should do with them ~ though I must figure out how to tell her this, I don’t think that there is anyway without her getting angry?

Past caring. WAY past caring.

So… finally, there are changes for me coming up. My mom is angry because she can not manipulate me into working “with” her any longer… she is losing that control. My daughters are angry because I won’t talk to them about anything anymore…

Wait until t1k finds out that she is no longer the beneficiary of my life insurance… it will hit her worse if I don’t ever get around to telling her before I die…

Who gets it?

No one. After my expenses are paid ~ all preplanned~ it all reverts to the life insurance company.

Mean? yes.

Necessary? yes. And I hope that the girls actually LISTEN to the letter that now resides with the policy. Thought about taping it… maybe I still will.

Away to the day now, this is full of angst, anger, and the old “where did I go stupid” tape that runs in my life constantly…

I miss home.

~:-)

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