Something to look forward to…

6:30 p.m. PST ~ means that this is Wednesday… like… argh. I barely had the computer turned on yesterday… (Tuesday)

Worked all day at various things. I’ve applied for a transit driver job, have to do a video class next Tuesday morning… I’d be a good bus driver, really I would. AND…

It pays money, and has benefits to boot.

I will miss what I am doing, but this is insane, this half time work that pays only a few pennies a week. I can NOT survive on such any longer.

Still need to feed the horses tonight, am putting if off until I absolutely have to go. I don’t HAVE to do anything, for when I was there this afternoon to check on everyone, there was still hay in the mangers, and a huge pile in the field…they are not starving, ya know?

I think I shall put all six animals together soon, the old yeller mare stands by the fence and looks pathetic most the time ~ next week I shall try it.

Life sucks these days, but I am somehow managing to get by.  I am slowly getting things done ~ it has come down to the point where I finally do understand what it is that people do to me ~ or ~ what I allow to happen to myself.

I, being always hopeful that someone cares what happens to me, have discovered that I am nothing to most. I am only good for what I can do for them… no one cares if I live or die really. No one goes out of their way to call (unless they need something) no one sends me cards, notes, gifts, hate mail…

Nothing. I am… nothing.

Why? I am not sure. I have spent my life doing for others…and that is all I do? **sigh**

I am to tired to even try to put it into words, I just feel the change is necessary, and change is hard,and messy and…

Yeah. Ugly stuff.

I want to train horses.

I want a love of my life.

I want to sit and watch the sunset when I am 100 years old and say “I’ve lived a good life”

I want to snuggle by a campfire with someone and drink bad coffee, good whisky and swap tall tales about life before personal computers, and the times that horses were my sanity.

**sigh**

In reality, I’m just right now happy that I missed Tuesday and it is nearly the weekend.

Not that I do anything on the weekends, but hey…

I gotta have SOMETHING to look forward to!

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