6:30 p.m. PST ~ means that this is Wednesday… like… argh. I barely had the computer turned on yesterday… (Tuesday)
Worked all day at various things. I’ve applied for a transit driver job, have to do a video class next Tuesday morning… I’d be a good bus driver, really I would. AND…
It pays money, and has benefits to boot.
I will miss what I am doing, but this is insane, this half time work that pays only a few pennies a week. I can NOT survive on such any longer.
Still need to feed the horses tonight, am putting if off until I absolutely have to go. I don’t HAVE to do anything, for when I was there this afternoon to check on everyone, there was still hay in the mangers, and a huge pile in the field…they are not starving, ya know?
I think I shall put all six animals together soon, the old yeller mare stands by the fence and looks pathetic most the time ~ next week I shall try it.
Life sucks these days, but I am somehow managing to get by. I am slowly getting things done ~ it has come down to the point where I finally do understand what it is that people do to me ~ or ~ what I allow to happen to myself.
I, being always hopeful that someone cares what happens to me, have discovered that I am nothing to most. I am only good for what I can do for them… no one cares if I live or die really. No one goes out of their way to call (unless they need something) no one sends me cards, notes, gifts, hate mail…
Nothing. I am… nothing.
Why? I am not sure. I have spent my life doing for others…and that is all I do? **sigh**
I am to tired to even try to put it into words, I just feel the change is necessary, and change is hard,and messy and…
Yeah. Ugly stuff.
I want to train horses.
I want a love of my life.
I want to sit and watch the sunset when I am 100 years old and say “I’ve lived a good life”
I want to snuggle by a campfire with someone and drink bad coffee, good whisky and swap tall tales about life before personal computers, and the times that horses were my sanity.
In reality, I’m just right now happy that I missed Tuesday and it is nearly the weekend.
Not that I do anything on the weekends, but hey…
I gotta have SOMETHING to look forward to!