Now… I would like to give fair warning here… this is a post about farts.
yes, you heard me… farts.
If you are not a normal human and you do not have methane emissions, or if you are offended by talking about bodily functions ~ please do not read on, for your sensibilities may just be…well…
you HAVE been warned… ~:-)
This morning I woke up at the ungodly hour of 5 a.m. This is not normal currently, for I work until 11 p.m most nights and occasionally it takes me a good hour (sometimes two) to unwind. Seldom am I up before eight of the clock now…
I blame Little Cat for the early wake up call, the fan was going in the window all night, she had crawled under the covers with me where it was warmer.
She alerted me to her presence when she stretched ~ and as she was on the same side she perforated the other day ~ I quickly reached under the comforter to remove her before she could do any more damage.
As I lifted the comforter, she lets go with this REALLY big fart ~ and her as backend is aimed directly at me, I got the full force of the cloud as it wafted out from under the covers.
I gagged, yelled a bit and tossed her off the bed as soon as her feet were clear of my body.
Okay, not a big deal, the fan is still going, the smell is dissipating…
Sitting down on the side of the bed I contemplate my options. Do I go back to bed, or go take a walk?
While I am trying to think, both dogs decide to get up… and one after the other, they begin to fart.
With their tails wagging like crazy, the farts are worse ~ coming out their backsides in time with the wags.
Baxters’ tail moves faster than Old Dogs’, so one would think that he would be empty sooner, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… he just kept a waggin’ and a fartin’…
There is no point in my going back to bed ~ I haul Baxter down the stairs, him trailing a stink that would kill the dead ~ I toss the dogs out the back door and get dressed.
Mere ten minutes later, I am forcing my weary body up the road, pleased that I am doing something good for my person…
Five minutes up said road, a small herd of the local deer population wanders up the bank to walk along front of me ~
On we go together, all heading in the same direction ~
**walkity walkity walkity**
They stop ~ and I stop because they stop…(…it is a good thing to do, because they see bad things LONG before I do, I can not trust my own senses at this point ~ mostly because I have not had any coffee, not to mention the fact that I have been breathing methane gas since I woke up this morning…)
We stood absolutely still for a few nano seconds, then the doe closest to me lifts her tail and FARTS. No raisins, just an ordinary everyday fart.
I yell at them and any hope that I may have scarred them for life are in vain… in no way scared of me, they just meander off to the side and let me pass.
Okay FINE. What EVER. I am up and moving and I WANT my walk…
About a half a mile further… there is a field with cows.
I pull up even with the cows, and being the goof (read: smartass) I am, I say (cheerful voice) “GOOD MORNING! Aren’t YOU the loveliest STEAK on the HOOF in the WORLD!!!”
okay, so HOW was I to know that the damn bull understands ENGLISH???
Obviously offended by what I said, he lifts his tail and FARTS AT ME.
No juicy pie, no plopping noise, just an everyday ordinary fart.
Okay… FINE! I am going home. I am good with this, I can take the hint that the world thinks I need to go back to bed…
As I turn the direction of the house, behind me I hear this loud “MOOOOOO”
That damned bull was LAUGHING at me.
Pausing to consider options for the second time this morning, I do the only thing I can do given the circumstances.
I walk back to the fence, turn around…
And I cracked a big ole fart right back at that damned bull.
TAKE THAT YOU … STUPID BULL!
feeling better (pun intended) I went home to take a nap ~ because I may be slow, but I can take a hint… I just hope the rest of the day is not as … (wait for it…)
wishing you an unsmelly day…