Always known, but forgot too.

Been advised to get, (and I was honestly trying to get) some kind of schedule going in my life… everyone/thing I deal with these days says “get a routine” and “try setting up a schedule” and…(BOW WOW woof WOOF BARK BARK!!)

ARGH! Even when I was working (before my girls were born) I was never one to have a freaking SCHEDULE. I planned things, I went out and did things ~ when the spirit moved me to do so. I had a natural rhythm in my life ~ I loved it.

Once the girls came, I mostly I spent my life taking care of my children. I was all they had for a very long time ~ I knew that one day I would need to do something else, but at the time, that was it. Them.

They were the focus of my life. What I did affected them. What I chose to do affected them. We did it all together, for better or worse. My schedule was set FOR me, so to speak. Was an easy choice, I was happy doing it.

But for awhile now, I’ve felt … out of balance, out of step, out of sync. I have to admit here that I have no SERIOUS focus. I have no clear idea of what, where, who, when, how… And… (erg!) I really DO actually kind of like it.

Does that make me weird? No. I honestly have come to think that it makes me SMART.

Think about it. If you had nothing to worry about, had gone to where you were happy, had more things than what you could EVER need, grown past the stage of thinking that the wanting of the “more” that the world pushes on people these days was a good thing, and had made the transition to where you have begun to get rid of the “stuff” that you’d hauled around for 45 years…

Does this not seem smart?

Well…if you do not agree, then I wish you many blessings with your life and style. It is where you are… but!!!

I feel that it is the right thing for me to be doing. I am back to (at long last) where I do for myself first, where I think of how what I do will affect me, and me only. And because there is a fair bit of uncertainty for me yet (there is no definitive diagnosis to my symptoms…yet.) I am finding that I can still be where I am and certain of what I do… has made it MUCH easier to deal with the shit that has come along, and that I know may come along later.

So… I think that in reality ~ I do have focus. ME.

AND!!! Just so you know, this has been one of the HARDEST freakin’ things I have done in my LIFE. EVER. And I know I’m not done with the struggle of relearning so many things that I seemed to have misplaced in the crush that was my adult life.

so…until my path becomes a bit (okay, a LOT) more clear, I’m taking it slow, loving everyone a lot, saying the words I want to say, sticking up for me …focused, but at the same time, not so much that I can’t be ready to move on into whatever life hands me next.

goofy thing is…I’ve always known these things, I just somehow forgot all about them too.

Silly me. :)

I’m going out to dance in the snow.


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